Why we should thank our failed relationships

I haven't blogged in a while and forgot how nice it feels just to get things out of my brain. I read an old blog I wrote a couple years ago and mentioned my goals for my future but now that's all changed. It's sad to say that I have changed my plans but unfortunately those plans are unknown. I did however find myself considering a move to another town but thankfully diverted that plan. I am unsure of how this year is going to go but I do know one thing- I will be in a cap and gown by next May with a degree in my hand. I won't allow myself to be bogged down anymore. 

What I'm also painfully aware of is how toxic my recent relationship was. However short it may have lasted I saw a future with him and considered heavily changing my plans. I wanted to uproot my life for someone I viewed to be extremely important to me. The worst part is that those feelings were not reciprocated. I'm unsure of how I let myself be so overwhelmed with feelings that I didn't do the right thing for myself. 

In an old blog I wrote that you should never put pressure on something you don't need, such as a toxic relationship. When something doesn't work then it's time to walk away. Trying to force something that simply isn't going to happen is just a waste of time after all. My dad gave me the best advice by telling me that a relationship that can't last 6months won't last until marriage. Ours lasted 2months (officially). Even saying it seems silly to have felt so caught up in someone after such a short amount of time. 

Let's unpack a little on why dating someone so damaged will never work. Not only was I a rebound from his previous relationship but I was also his punching bag. He was so hurt and jumped right into our relationship I honestly think he brought that baggage into our relationship. That in itself should have big the biggest warning sign for me. I'll be the first to admit I'm not totally emotionally stable but when you mix that with someone else who is also unstable then the only thing you get out of that is negativity. You see the worst thing about our relationship wasn't the  cheating but the down right disrespect. I have never been put down or made feel lower in my life than when he talked to me the way he did. Adding alcohol to the equation wasn't conducive to our relationship either. I get it, people say things they don't mean all the time but that doesn't mean hurtful things were never uttered. I didn't see the warning signs until it was too late. His true colors didn't show until after I had already started to feel strongly towards him. It blows my mind how someone can act a certain way only to turn around and be the total monster you never knew was there.

Anyways, what I'm getting at is that if we are going to invest our time, energy, effort and money then we should be absolutely sure that it's what we deserve. If you're with someone that doesn't deserve you find someone who does. Respect is the most important thing in a relationship to have, to honor the other person and to do all things with them in mind. This isn't my way of saying screw relationships but this is my way of saying screw unhealthy relationships. See the warning signs before it's too late. 

Never allow yourself to feel inferior to someone that doesn't even respect you. 

Purposely trying to cause someone pain because they can't deal with their feelings properly doesn't do anything for anyone. When all said and done we are with someone because we want to be so when that feeling goes away we should be able to say we tried the best we could but it didn't work out and move on. I can speak for myself when I say I tried the best I could I did everything and anything but that has to be something that both parties do. 

I've been in bad relationships before and each time I take something away from it. Each time I learn a little bit more about what I want and don't want out of a relationship. The bad ones help you learn and grow as a person. For that reason we have to be glad that things don't always work out the way we wanted them to. There is nothing wrong with being selfish so that we can allow ourselve to grow as an individual and if someone is not helping you do that then they never deserved to be in your life in the first place. A relationship should be an enhancement on our lives, if it is not then cut it loose! 

It's Okay To Be Alone

Well, long time no blog ay?

As I said this is more for my own personal benefit although I have no problem sharing my goals and progress. My hopes with this as well is that one day when I am in France (or wherever the world may take me) that I will be able to keep in touch with everyone still in the states and be able to look back at my adventures in my life. This is an incredibly relaxing activity to get yourself into no matter how your daily life is. I haven't found a whole lot of time for blogging but now that I am actually sitting down and doing it…. it is soooooo relaxing! So even if you have a busy life (such as myself) I would sincerely suggest blogging. I may not have anything to say that you personally care about but that's the beauty of a personal blog.

First, I want to touch base with where I am at as far as my goals I set for myself a couple months ago. A few that I have embarked on are areas like getting healthy mentally and physically. Easier said than done on that one, and I am used to being in great shape from sports in high school so I made it more realistic to just be healthy rather than trying to become a hardcore athlete. I have implemented regular exercise along with clean eating-- basically I just stopped shoving chicken nuggets down my throat. I started getting more involved in activities or groups. I am now the secretary for the Educ8kdz program (whoever decide to spell it that way is clearly sending mixed messages). I also have been doing a little bit of volunteering for the Head Start pre-school. Cool beans right? Somewhat getting my life together and it feels pretty damn good. I started going to physical therapy regularly for my shoulders which is amazing because now I can shave my armpits without massive amounts of pain (that's like gold for me).

on a side note… I GOT A CAT! Well she sort of chose us, after wondering the hard streets of Carbondale. If I were a cat I would do the same. Way less maintenance than a dog, so what the hell I'll take on that responsibility. So I suppose that's my first good deed of the year, although I did drive by 4 dead cats along the road yesterday but I guess I made it one less.

Here's little stray cat Febe (formally known as Fifi)

See she likes blogging just as much as I do! 

(If you're my family I would suggest to stop reading at this point, close the tab and leave it at that)

For S & G's….. Miley Cyrus. I know the point of her acts are to be talked about, and she does a great job getting the medias attention but what a dumb ass person. Like when did society decide that this was okay?

I do follow her on Instagram and Twitter but if anyone asks, then no. How embarrassing. That's the point. Look at how crazy I am, no but you are actually legit crazy Miley now go find some pants. I have seen more of that girl's body that I ever imagined I would. Why is that okay? WHY WHY WHY

Moving on, I have been thinking a lot recently about relationships and hook ups. Being a college student I am totally emersed in this world of dealing with guys (and girls) that are ultimately looking for one thing- Nookie. Sex, coitus, intercourse, fornication, getting it on, banging, copulation, sexual relations, love-making, you get it. 

Relationships/sex. Is it worth it? Let's break these down because honestly sex and relationships are two totally different things. The way I see it, they are completely separate for a reason. Why do we date? Do we date so we aren't lonely? Do we date because we like the idea of a monogamous relationship with that person you like more than anyone else you know? Is it for reproduction? Well all the above I suppose,  but what are our individual motives? 

A dating relationship should be a friendship set on fire. If I had it my way, I would have a cool ass dude/chick chilling at home with me, watching movies with a case of beer and just simply hang out. Good conversation, laughing, being weird as hell, maybe a little cuddle action. So why is that so hard? 

I have friends who feel the constant thirst to feel desired or wanted. Now I understand everyone wants to feel wanted of course but at what point are you willing to compromise your needs/wants in order to achieve this. If I had to give one piece of advice it's the old "don't look for it, it will find you" talk. Honestly though, that is the absolute truth. I have learned on one occasion that if you try to push something that isn't there/ rush it because you are tired of being alone it never ends up like you might have planned, and then you will eventually resent that person, or even worse end up hating them. I went through a period not too long ago where I really felt as if I needed someone. As I said, we all get lonely, at the end of the day when you go home alone and all you have is a cat laying next to you, well that might stir up feelings of loneliness. 

I'm here to tell you that IT IS OKAY TO BE ALONE!!!!!! 

I don't think that I can try to stress that enough. Life is complicated enough as it is, and I have a hard enough time taking care of myself so why would I want to force someone else into the situation. There is so much life to live, and places to go, things to do, material to learn and opportunities to experience, why put that on hold just because you want to attention? At the end of the day isn't that all a relationship is anyways? Attention. Everyone loves attention, in which case get on Instagram and post a selfie and go fishing for compliments. Hang out with your friends and just enjoy each others company. There is no need to force something that just isn't there. 

On that note ladies and gentleman you should work on yourself, make yourself happy before you try to throw another person into the equation. I am totally happy being alone, especially at this young stage in my life where I don't know where I'm going to end up. It's nice to just worry about myself.. well myself and a kitty now. It's nice to not have to answer to anyone. 

I know at this point you're probably thinking "what a heartless bitch, she's gonna be alone with that cat forever" and okay that may or may not be true but what I'm trying to say is this- never put pressure on something that you don't need to (i.e. finding a partner). I know there's some pretty great things that do come along with a relationship just are there are bad. I have two friends that have been dating for a couple years and have the best relationship, a friendship on fire from what I've seen. If you can find that, and if you really enjoy said relationship then hell yeah, good for you. I have also been a part of a terrible relationship of infidelity, disrespect, and complete disregard for my feelings but I stayed in it because I was scared to be alone. I had to learn the hard way as I'm sure many people have had to do as well. Luckily, because of that, I am a stronger person that refused to put up with the bull shit. I would also like to mention, if you are in an abusive relationship that is point blank never okay and you need to get out immediately because it won't improve, ever, even though you think it might. 

History repeats itself, so if you are going back to that dead end relationship then that's all you will amount to. If we don't expect more for ourselves then how will there ever be improvements made? If you're with someone that isn't supportive, goal oriented, helpful or that is holding you back then that is just a waste of your time. Don't put yourself around anyone that will hold you back whether it's friends or family. 

You get to chose your environment.  So choose a good one okay? 

Now, as far as sex goes.. oy vey (as my cute little jewish friend would say). Let's see. We see everywhere that women should respect their bodies, and leave it a mystery, well this is true. I like leggings a slouchy T-shirts, so chances are you won't find me in a belly shirt and daisy dukes on but then again, that's just me. Ladies, cover your titties up. A guys not going to want the whole pie if he's already had a piece (I like relating things to food.. I like food). What all ladies wonder though is why are we so harshly judged for having sex when men are applauded for 'getting some'? Humans like sex, we just do. If you don't like sex then your life probably sucks. So why are women easy, but for men it's just the usual? I don't get these social constructs society has but there really isn't any changing to that, well not any time soon I'm sure. If you want to have sex, have sex. If you don't, then don't. If you have sex the first night, don't really expect a call back, or a follow up with the one guy you met at a bar. 

You will NEVER (almost never) find your significant other at a college bar on a Saturday night, you just won't. If you do, then that's pretty rare. My generation, unfortunately, has horrible social skills and now we have to use apps to meet people (Tinder, hot or not etc). I think that ladies, not to gender stereotype, expect a lot more than what is realistically likely to happen. So you have sex, now you want to start dating, or go out again, or even have more sex. What your expectations are just remember that those are your own expectations, and not the other persons' expectations. Just be smart is what I'm trying to say, look at the situation you put yourself in and take a step back to evaluate what directions things may or may not go in. Going back to what I said earlier, don't put pressure on something that doesn't need it. Be a realist and know that the actions you make and your decisions to sleep with someone or go on a date with someone have two totally different outcomes. There's nothing wrong with having sex, but only if that is what you want (and you're being smart about it of course). 

Long story short, have standards, and if you break these standards don't freak out about it. Every once in a while people have to get their freak on, it's a part of life. If you want to date someone, don't go home with them until you are totally ready and are fully aware of what may come of it. Ultimately, be yourself and do what you want to do. Not because society told you to, or alcohol made you think he/she really likes you and they just want to "hang out" after the bars close.

Don't be an idiot.

So for anyone reading this, whether you are looking for a relationship, just a hookup or anything in between do me a favor? Don't look. Don't look for a relationship or sex. Just let things happen as they were meant to be. My dad always says "if it's meant to be, it will be" and I think that's a pretty lax rule on all things in life really. Stress over things like these just aren't necessary. If you really, truly feel like you need a boyfriend/girlfriend than get a pet or a hobby. Love yourself, and live your life and everything will fall into place. BESIDES, what college student really has time to juggle all these things? Maybe not me, but I also don't wake up until 10 every day sooooo maybe that's just me. 

If you made it this far and read the whole thing then I am proud and appreciative.